


Panam

by awriterofthings



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:15:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28483737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awriterofthings/pseuds/awriterofthings
Summary: A procedure could save V, but take everything away from her. All she knows is she doesn't want to lose Panam.
Relationships: Panam Palmer/Female V
Comments: 39
Kudos: 360





	1. Chapter 1

Panam entered V’s tent and smiled sadly at the sleeping woman. Usually V would be up by now but they were five months into whatever was going on in her head and V was getting noticeably more tired as the days went on. Not to mention the pain she was starting to feel again. The past five months away from Night City had been amazing, though. V was really making the most of her time and made every day count. Well, up until now.

Panam moved over to the cot and sat at the edge before placing a hand on V’s shoulder. “Hey, I need you up, V.”

V grumbled a response and scooted back, leaving an empty space for Panam to join her. 

Panam smiled and moved to lie down. “Five minutes,” she warned.

“Ten,” V countered as she pulled Panam close to her, nuzzling into her neck. Her hand instantly moved to Panam’s side and she stroked the scar there with her thumb.

Panam let out a content sigh; she was now too comfortable to argue. “Fine, ten.” She felt V smile into her neck before a tender kiss warmed her skin. 

“Sorry I fell asleep on you last night. I hate that I’m so tired all the time.”

“Don’t worry about it. We’ll have other days,” Panam reassured her.

V let out a dry laugh. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’ve kind of been deteriorating these last few days. I feel like shit, Pan.”

“That’s why I needed you up,” Panam began. “Mitch and I have been looking into something on our own and we think this ripperdoc we’ve been talking to can help you.”

V frowned and pulled away from Panam so she could look at her properly. “You’ve been following a lead without me?”

Panam sat up so that she was sitting at the edge of the cot and V joined her. “I didn’t want to get your hopes up,” she explained. “Not after the last two times.” They had thought they were close to a solution twice now and the heartbreak it caused V each time things didn’t pan out hurt Panam to witness. She wanted to be sure of this ripperdoc before bringing her any information. 

V could understand that. After the last leads didn’t work out, she had become recluse for days until Panam forced her to stop being a hermit. “Okay, so what’s this ripperdoc’s plan?”

“Not sure yet,” Panam answered. “We told her everything and she has been looking into it for a few days trying to figure something out. She called me today saying she thinks she’s got something pretty solid. I wanted you to come with me to hear her out.”

V was quiet for a while. She didn’t want to get her hopes up but if Panam was sure about this person, then she knew this could be the thing that saved her life. “Okay, when do we leave?”

“Right now,” Panam answered, gently squeezing V’s hand. “I feel real good about this one, V.” She stood up and gestured behind her. “I’ll get you something to eat on the ride there. It’s a few hours out.”

Panam left the tent and V took a deep breath. She really hoped this wouldn’t end like the other times.

Panam and V pulled up to a warehouse located just outside of the city and as soon as they neared the door, it flew open and they were met by a smiling woman.

“Panam and V?” The woman asked. 

“Yeah,” Panam answered. “Thanks for meeting with us, Lauren.”

“Not a problem,” the ripperdoc’s eyes trailed Panam’s body and V fought the urge to roll her eyes. 

Lauren looked to V and held her hand out. “And you look near death so you must be V.”

“That I am,” V replied finding herself chuckling at the straightforwardness.

Lauren stepped aside to let them in before locking the doors back. They followed her through the warehouse into a medium-sized room that looked to be Lauren’s office. “I’ve been researching your illness since Panam asked if I could help.” She sat down at her desk and gestured for them to sit down as well.

V had to say that she was already impressed. This was the most professional environment she had ever been in where ripperdoc’s were concerned. She sat down on the swivel chair and Panam sat beside her. 

“So basically what I’m thinking is that I can trick your body into not destroying you. That would mean suppressing your memories long enough for it to work, though.”

V frowned. “Suppress my memories?”

Lauren nodded. “Your body can’t think you’re an intruder if your mind is a blank slate. Honestly, I’m not one hundred percent sure it will work but it’s the most promising thing I can come up with.”

“So if you’re just suppressing them, will I get my memories back later? And if I do, won’t this whole thing just start over again?”

“Hopefully your memories will return to you as you do things that are familiar to you,” Lauren explained. “And no, if they return, your body won’t start trying to kill you again because it will have adapted by then.”

“But again, all of this is just you guessing?” 

“Educated guessing,” Lauren clarified, “but yes. And of course there are complications that can happen; I am messing around in your head after all. Might not even make it off my chair.”

V pinched the bridge of her nose. “And how much is this going to cost?”

“That doesn’t matter,” Panam jumped in. “We’ll pay whatever.”

Lauren waved her off. “Jacoby owed you a favor and I owed him a favor so it all comes out even. Don’t worry about it. Maybe we can grab a friendly bite together one of these days.”

V narrowed her eyes at Lauren as Panam responded. “Unfortunately I’m always on the road. Life of a nomad.”

“Fair enough,” Lauren said before returning her attention to V. “So you ready to do this?”

V’s eyes widened. “Now?”

“Yeah, didn’t sound like you had much time to wait from what I’ve heard.”

Panam could tell V was having trouble taking in everything so she quickly interjected. “Can we have a moment?”

“Sure thing.” Lauren stood up. “Hey, listen,” she said to V, “I know it all sounds confusing and scary but I promise I’m serious about helping you, and I think this is your best chance.” 

“Thank you,” V said, sincerely, before Lauren slipped out of the office. 

Panam placed a hand on V’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“It’s a lot. I don’t want to forget everything. I don’t want to forget _you_.” V stood and began to pace. “I’ll basically be dead. I won’t know who I am. What if my personality completely changes?”

Panam moved to V, placing her hands on either side of her shoulders. “Hey,” she squeezed her shoulders gently. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“No, I’ll do it,” V assured her. “Just not today, please. I need a day. I want to write down everything I don’t want to forget. I know that’s stupid, I just-,”

“It’s not stupid. It’s a great idea. I’ll talk to Lauren and see if she can do it tomorrow instead.”

V snorted. “I think she can do it as long as you’re the one asking.” She found herself smiling despite everything. “She might make sure I go brain dead so she can ask you out.”

Panam laughed. “I think she knows her chances will be slim if that happens.”

V looked at Panam with mock offense. “So you’re saying she stands a chance now?”

Panam answered V with a kiss. “If she saves your life, I might be tempted to kiss her.”

V smirked. “You and me both.”

Panam rubbed her hands up and down V’s arms. “I’ll go talk to her and if tomorrow works, we’ll find a motel to crash in.”

“Something fancier than our last motel stay… or at least cleaner,” V answered.

Panam chuckled. “Sure thing, V.”

“And Panam, thanks for what you and Mitch did to make this happen. I appreciate it.”

“We have our selfish reasons,” Panam stated. “We kind of don’t want you dead.” She winked at V and exited the office.

V was feeling a lot of things right now but the main emotion winning out was fear. What if it didn’t work and she died? What if it did but her memories were gone forever? There were a lot of what ifs but she wouldn’t let this opportunity pass.

V was sitting on a motel bed with a notebook in her hand that she had bought while she was out with Panam buying food. Panam was next to her eating while V wrote down everything she wanted to remember. 

“What do you have written so far?” Panam asked, breaking the silence. 

“I have some things about Jackie and Mama Welles. Misty and Vik. I should probably at least call Mama Welles before tomorrow.” V hadn’t explained to the woman what was happening but she didn’t want to die and leave the woman wondering if she had just abandoned her.

“I’m sure that would mean a lot to her, V,” Panam agreed.

“Val,” V replied.

Panam frowned. “What?”

“Valerie. My name,” V clarified. “In case you ever wanted to know it.”

Panam chuckled to herself. “I’ve actually never thought about it. It’s cute. I like it.”

V rolled her eyes. “Don’t use it in front of people,” she mumbled before going back to writing in the notebook.

Panam smirked as she took a bite of her noodles, expertly using her chopsticks. “Valerie,” she said, aloud, testing the name on her tongue. 

V smiled as she kept her eyes trained on what she was doing; she liked the way Panam said her name. Her thoughts drifted to the woman beside her and she flipped to a new page in her notebook. She wrote ‘Panam’ in big letters at the top before starting to jot down what she wanted to remember.

Almost an hour passed with Panam entertaining herself with her phone as V focused on writing. She was slightly startled when V finally spoke.

“I should probably call whoever I want to call now,” she said, setting the notebook aside. “I’m going to step out onto the balcony, okay?”

“Okay, I’ll be here,” Panam said, watching as V got up and went outside. She glanced down at the notebook and only hesitated for a moment before picking it up. She skimmed through the pages, reading about everyone V wanted to remember and that apparently included people she disliked strongly. Like this Kirk Sawyer person; she definitely wanted to remember not to associate with him.

As Panam continued to flip through the pages, she stopped at seeing her name on the top of a page.

_ Panam _

  * _Trust her. She loves you. She hasn’t said it, but you know._
  * _Yes, you’re dating. Not sure how you got so lucky._
  * _Don’t be alarmed by her temper. It’s actually really endearing_
  * _Family is everything to her._
  * _She’s stuck with you through a lot; you owe her more than you’ll ever be able to repay._
  * _Despite her tough exterior, she’s really touchy-feely. Loves a good cuddle._
  * _She’s not just your output; she’s your best friend. Your loyal, stubborn, gorgeous, smart best friend. Don’t fuck it up. Seriously, don’t. Out of everyone you’ve ever dated, she’s an absolute treasure in this cesspool of a world._
  * _Again, trust her. If you need her, she’s got you._
  * _You love her. It’s scary because you’ve never been in love before but she makes you feel all those cliché feelings._
  * _I won’t write down everything you love and admire about her. There are only so many hours in a day and I want to spend them with her. Besides, if you don’t get your memory back, look at the bright side—you’ll be able to fall in love with her all over again._



Panam blinked away her tears as she closed the notebook and reality finally set in. She had been trying to stay strong and only thought of how this procedure could save V’s life, not of how it could all go wrong.

The door to the balcony slid open and V stepped back into the room. “Called everyone I wanted to talk to. Short list.” She noticed Panam’s watery eyes and frowned. “Hey, what’s wrong?” she moved to sit beside her.

Panam looked at V. “I’m going to be very upset if you die tomorrow.”

“I’m going to do my very best not to.”

“This is so unfair,” Panam said, her voice quivering.

“Pan?” V placed a hand on the woman’s lower back to bring her some comfort.

“I’ve been trying to stay strong for you, V.” Panam gestured to the notebook on the bed. “You had to go and write that shit and now… fuck,” she pressed the palm of her hands to her eyes. “It’s all hitting me and I’m scared of what will happen tomorrow.” Panam wiped away her tears and stood up. “I need air.”

V’s heart ached. She was causing Panam pain. Not intentionally, but it was her fault nonetheless. She got up from the bed and joined Panam on the balcony. She leaned against the railing close to the brunette. “Panam, I know this has been a lot to deal with. I just want you to know that if I lose my memory for good, if I’m not the same person you fell in love with… I’ll understand if you want to move on.”

“Don’t be a gonk, V,” Panam huffed. “I’m not going anywhere. And…” She turned so that her back was against the railing. “If you need to hear it officially,” she rubbed at the side of her neck before meeting V’s gaze. “I uh, I love you.”

V laughed before a huge smile settled on her lips. “Are you okay? Did that hurt to get out?”

Panam rolled her eyes and playfully shoved V’s shoulder. “Shut up and say it back. You’re ruining the moment.”

V leaned forward, placing a kiss to the corner of Panam’s lips before pulling back. “I love you too, Panam. So much.”

Panam rested her forehead against V’s as she replayed the words in her head. She had known V loved her long before this moment but it was still really nice to hear. She placed a kiss to V’s forehead before linking their fingers together. “Okay, enough of this sad shit. Want to go explore the city or something?”

“I would much rather explore you,” V quipped before pulling Panam back into the motel room.

“How’d you ever get laid with lines like that?” Panam asked, amused.

“Hey, I’ll have you know that my charm is unmatched.” V trailed a finger over Panam’s collarbone. “Besides, I won you over didn’t I?”

“I make questionable life choices,” Panam shot back.

V chuckled as she pulled Panam into the bathroom. “Can’t argue there.”

“Fuck you,” Panam laughed.

V turned on the shower before returning her attention to Panam. She lifted the brunette onto the sink counter and stepped between her legs. “Comfortable?”

“Horny,” Panam answered.

V smiled against her lips. “I can definitely take care of that,” she said before locking their lips together.

V collapsed on top of Panam as she breathed heavily, trying to catch her breath. “You’re so good,” she groaned out.

Panam smirked as she moved her hands down to V’s ass and squeezed roughly. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

“Careful,” V warned. “You’ll get me going again.”

Panam grabbed her phone from the nightstand and checked the time. “Shit, we’ve been going at it for hours. Are you sure you’re feeling okay?”

“I’m feeling great,” V assured her for the third time that night. She was thoroughly exhausted but it was well worth it, and if Panam wanted to go again, she wouldn’t deny her.

Panam gently pushed at V’s shoulder so she would roll off of her. “I can get you some water.”

“I don’t need water,” V replied, wrapping an arm around Panam’s waist to pull her in close. “Just you.” She brushed Panam’s hair out of the way and placed a kiss to the back of her neck. “I like when you have your hair down.” Panam had pulled her hair from its usual up-do and it had definitely done things for V’s libido.

“Well, I’m going to keep wearing it however I want, but noted,” Panam replied before moving to straddle V’s hips. In reality, she already knew that tidbit of information and made it a point to wear her hair down from time to time, which is why she had decided to let her hair down tonight. V sat up to attempt to flip them over but Panam pushed her back down. “Just enjoy it,” she instructed.

Panam ran her fingers through her hair to get the strands out of her face as she rubbed her lower region against V’s abs. “Fuck, I could probably cum from this alone.”

V placed her hands on either side of Panam’s hips but was quickly reprimanded.

“No touching,” Panam warned. “Just watch.”

V groaned as her desire for Panam intensified ten-fold but she did as she was told. She watched as Panam continued to use her body for her own pleasure. She took in everything—how Panam’s chest heaved as she inched closer to her climax; how her brows were furrowed as she concentrated on her pleasure; how her body glistened with sweat as she moved against her. V was so focused on Panam that she didn’t realize her own climax was nearing until it was already coursing through her.

Panam came right behind V and after a few seconds, let out a delighted laugh. “Did you get off from that?”

V blushed. “Have you seen you? Of course I did.”

“Hey, don’t be embarrassed.” Panam moved so that she was lying beside V. “I think it’s hot that I can get you off without touching you.” She trailed her hand down V’s stomach but V caught her hand just before she reached her destination.

“I’ll probably die before tomorrow if we go again.”

Panam pulled her hand away from V, roughly. “That’s not funny.”

“Sorry, I’m sorry.” V stopped Panam from pulling away from her. “Bad joke.”

Panam relaxed back into V and let out a breath. “You don’t fucking die on me tomorrow. You survive the treatment and we’ll figure things out from there. I’m being completely selfish; I can own up to that. I want a future with you, Valerie.”

“I want the same with you,” V assured her. “I’ll fight as hard as I can, Pan. I promise.”

Panam knew V would fight. She had made it this far after all. Just knowing that V was too stubborn to die helped her relax a little more. Tomorrow would bring big changes but right now she wanted to enjoy this moment with V. “Did I ever tell you the story about how I accidentally ended up transporting a guy in my trunk?"

“I can’t wait to hear about it.”

As Panam launched into the story, V took note of everything. How she articulated her words, how it sounded when she laughed, her scent. Everything. This could be her last night with the love of her life and she was going to enjoy every second of it. Night City had chewed her up and spat her out like dirt but it had given her Panam, and for that she would be forever grateful.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea what I'm writing; the concept of erasing/suppressing V's memory just sounded legit enough. Maybe there'll be a second part if this is deemed good enough.


	2. Chapter 2

V opened her eyes, blinking a few times to clear up her vision. She was sitting in a chair and not far from her was a woman she wasn’t familiar with. She sat up a bit causing the material of the chair to squeak. The woman turned and smiled big at her. 

“Preem, you’re up.”

In an instant, V reached forward, pulling the gun from the woman’s thigh holster and pointed it at her as she stood up. “Who are you?”

“Lauren,” the woman answered, her hands now up in the air. “Your ripperdoc. Do you know what a ripperdoc is? ”

“Of course I know what a ripperdoc is. Why am I here?”

“Awesome,” Lauren bounced in excitement. “When were you born?”

V opened her mouth to respond but then frowned. “I don’t know.” She jabbed the gun toward Lauren. “What’d you do?”

“Saved you, I think.” Lauren pulled a small flashlight from the pocket of her lab coat. “Let me see your eyes.”

V pushed the gun into Lauren’s chest. “Back up.”

“Okay, so you’re a little discombobulated and that’s completely understandable but this whole gun thing isn’t necessary.”

The sound of a door opening drew V’s attention away from Lauren and Panam neared them with wide eyes. “V, what are you doing?”

V pointed the gun at Panam, stopping the woman in her tracks. “Who the hell are you?”

“She’s your friend who brought you here for me to save,” Lauren answered. 

V pressed the palm of her hand to her head. “Why can’t I remember anything?”

“Your name is V,” Panam began, slowly. “Lauren wiped your memory in order to stop your body from killing you.” As V looked on confused, Panam explained the situation, which only made V frown more. “I know it’s a lot.” Panam took a small step toward V. “Let me just get you home and we can talk some more about this.”

V relaxed her grip on the gun before dropping her arm down to her side. “Where’s home?”

Panam glanced over at V as she approached a stoplight, hating how silent the ride had been so far. She had so much she wanted to say but Lauren had warned her not to overwhelm V with information. Tapping her fingers on the steering wheel, Panam thought about what they could possibly talk about. She had been so concerned with V just not dying that she didn’t think about the after. She wasn’t sure what to do.

“Light’s green,” V stated as she kept her eyes trained out the window.

Panam returned her attention to the road as she turned on the radio to fill some of the silence. After a few more minutes, Panam finally couldn’t take the weird silence between them anymore. “Are you feeling okay? No headaches or anything?”

V turned her head to look at Panam. “Yep, everything’s preem,” she said, sarcastically.

Panam tightened her grip on the steering wheel, willing herself to be patient. “Seriously, V, I need to know. Do you feel okay?”

V sighed and looked back out the window. “Yeah, Palmer, I’m fine.”

“You can call me Panam.”

“Right, sorry,” V replied. “So, we’re good friends?”

Panam perked up at V asking her a question. “We’re close.” She didn’t want to tell V that they were together yet. She would wait for the woman to settle down at camp and wait a few days to see if anything came back to her on its own.

V grinned and looked back at Panam. “Any perks to being close friends with the boss?”

Panam almost made a sex joke but internally groaned at remembering she couldn’t do that right now. “It doesn’t give you any advantages; everyone’s treated the same.”

“A fair leader, I like that,” V stated. “So, what’s my role in camp?”

“You’re a merc. You help bring in money,” Panam answered, “but you won’t be doing that for a while, okay?”

V rolled her eyes. “What else am I supposed to do? I’m physically fit, and it’s not like I have any hobbies I can remember I like doing.”

“Lauren said you needed to take it easy to see if any side effects happen. After a couple weeks, we’ll assess the situation.”

“So you want me to sit around and think about how I can’t remember anything?”

 _Patience, Patience, Patience._ Panam repeated the words in her head like a mantra. “You won’t just be sitting around, V. I’m going to help you. The family is going to help you. Please trust me.”

V let out a dry laugh. “I don’t know you so sorry if that’s a little difficult for me.”

“I get it-,”

“You don’t,” V snapped, her anger over the situation finally coming to a boil. “I don’t fucking know who I am. I don’t know what my favorite color or song is. Simple things and I don’t know them.”

Panam pulled over to the side of the road and killed the ignition before undoing her seatbelt to turn to face V. “You didn’t have a favorite color until a few months ago. It’s brown, but not just any brown. A lighter rich brown. You told me once that it’s a warm color and it makes you feel at peace.”

V stared at Panam for a long beat before speaking in a calmer tone than before. “Brown?”

“Yeah, and as for your favorite song, that’s _Night City_. Panam turned her car back on so she could turn on the radio. “It’s usually playing on Body Heat. If we wait a few minutes, it’ll for sure come on.” Panam turned down the radio a bit because she actually hated the song that was currently playing. “Your favorite food is tortillas. Quick and easy.” Panam thought for a moment. “You don’t really have any hobbies. You’re usually busy working or helping around camp. Your downtime is spent hanging with me and the others.” _Night City_ began to play on the radio and Panam quickly turned up the radio. “This is your favorite song.”

V listened to the song and felt herself relaxing as Panam began to quietly sing along. She closed her eyes and found herself focusing more on Panam singing than the artist on the radio.

When the song came to an end, V was disappointed that it meant Panam’s singing stopped as well. “You have a beautiful voice.”

Panam smiled at the compliment. The first time V had overheard her humming a tune she had been shocked by the hidden talent and would always find ways to coax Panam into singing for her. “Thanks.”

“I’m sorry I snapped at you,” V continued. “It sounds like you’ve done a lot for me; saving my life and all. I don’t mean to be ungrateful. I’m just… lost is the best way I can describe it.”

“I’m not upset with you. I can only imagine what it feels like to not know a thing about who you are. Just know that whatever happens, V, I’m here. You’re not alone.”

Several days had passed and no memories had come back to V but she was trying to stay optimistic. The Aldecaldos were at least good people. The little time she had spent outside her tent, she had been treated kindly and everyone just wanted to help in any way they could. V was pulled from her thoughts when she heard Panam call to her from outside. “Yeah?”

Panam entered the tent with a bowl of food and a bottle of lemonade. “Hungry?”

V nodded. “Starving, thank you.” She accepted the bowl from Panam as she sat up. “What am I learning about today?”

“Actually, we’re about to hang around a fire and just shoot the breeze. Is that something you might want to do?”

V shrugged. “I don’t have anything to say to anyone.”

“That’s fine. You can just sit with me and listen. It might help spark a memory or two. And if not, you’ll at least become comfortable being around everyone again.”

V looked down at her bowl. She didn’t want to let Panam down, but she also couldn’t stand hearing all the stories people brought up and the inside jokes she should know but couldn’t recall. It frustrated her. “I like when it’s just you and me.” V poked at her food with her fork. “Everyone means well but they’re kind of suffocating.” Just this morning someone brought up something that had happened pre-memory wipe and thought raising their voice as if she was deaf would help her recall the event.

Panam moved to sit beside V. “I can talk to them.”

“No, it’s okay. The Aldecaldos have been great. I don’t want them to think I’m a jerk.”

“Your family,” Panam corrected. “They’re your family.”

“Right,” V sighed. “You don’t have to talk to anyone. It’s fine.”

“V, I need you to start leaving this tent more, okay? Start socializing a bit. I have to leave camp for a couple days and I don’t want you to just be in here.”

“Then I’ll just go with you,” V stated.

“It could be dangerous.”

“I’m a mercenary, right? I can handle it.”

“You’re staying, V,” Panam said, sternly. “I’m sorry.”

V scoffed and set her bowl aside. “You can’t make me stay here.”

“No, I can’t,” Panam agreed, “but I am the leader of this family and I’m telling you that you’re not ready right now.”

V laid down on her cot, turning her back to Panam. “I’m tired.”

“V, please.” When she didn’t get a response, she pinched the bridge of her nose. “Valerie, I’m just trying to make sure you stay safe.” She rolled her eyes at the silence. “Seriously? The silent treatment is juvenile.”

“You’re treating me like a child so I guess it’s fitting,” V shot back.

“You’re not being reasonable. I get-,”

“Stop saying you get it!” V snapped. “You don’t fucking get it! Just go.”

“V, I’m trying here. I don’t know what else you want me to do.”

“I just want you to go.”

Panam heard the crack in V’s voice and her heart broke at the sound. What was she doing wrong? She just wanted to help V adapt to her new life and keep her safe until she was sure she could handle working again. “Valerie.” She placed a hand on her shoulder.

V shrugged the touch off. “Please, just leave.”

Panam left the tent, her frustration at the situation causing her own eyes to water. She stormed into her tent and kicked a small table where her radio was sitting. The device fell to the ground and she kicked that, too, causing it to fly out of the tent.

“Whoa!” She heard Mitch’s surprised cry before he slipped into her tent. “You lose something?” He held up the radio.

“What the fuck am I doing wrong? I just want to help her and all it seems I’m doing is pissing her off.”

“She just needs more time, Panam,” Mitch assured her. “What she’s dealing with isn’t an easy thing and there’s no instruction manual here. We can only do our best.”

“Well, my best is only making her hate me.” Panam plopped down onto her cot.

“You said she wrote about what she wanted to remember? Have you given it to her? It would probably help.”

“I didn’t want her to overload on information,” Panam explained. “I’ve talked to her about her life in Night City. She knows about Jackie and everyone.”

“And does she know about you?”

Panam shook her head. “I don’t think telling her would help anything. She’d just be even more frustrated.” Panam rubbed her hands over her face. “And the last thing I want her to feel is guilty for not remembering about us. You’ll watch after her while I’m away, right?”

“Of course, Pan,” Mitch said. “You know I will.”

“Just pay attention to her, okay? She gets overwhelmed sometimes.”

“She’s in good hands. And you know, if you need to talk, I’m here. V losing her memory still kind of feels like we lost her in a way.”

“But she’s at least alive,” Panam pointed out. “I’ll take that over the alternative any day.”

“Pan-,”

“I’m fine, Mitch,” Panam cut him off. “Everything’s fine. I’m gonna turn in early.”

Mitch slipped out of the tent, unsure of what to do. Both his friends were hurting and the only solution was time.

Panam pulled up to camp after two days away and immediately made her way towards V’s tent. She hadn’t called the woman while she was away, thinking she should give V space. As she neared the tent, she spotted V a few feet away talking and laughing with Willa, a younger woman from camp. Willa placed a hand on V’s shoulder as they continued to talk and Panam clenched her jaw.

“They’re just talking,” Mitch said as he stopped to stand beside the Aldecaldo’s leader.

“Do they have to stand so close to do that?” Panam asked.

Mitch let out a light laugh. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you jealous. Willa’s just been hanging out with her and getting her to be more social.”

Panam narrowed her eyes at Mitch. “I’m not jealous. V can talk to whoever she wants. And what do you mean hanging out?”

“V’s been joining Willa for her jobs. Yesterday they went on a grocery run and did some random things around camp. She loved cleaning the guns. She said it was therapeutic.”

“Oh,” Panam frowned. “So I guess I was the one bringing her down.” She studied V from afar. She definitely didn’t seem as forlorn as she had before. 

“Come on, Pan, you know that’s not true. She just needed a different approach to things. You want to protect her from everything but you’ve gotta let her just get out there, ya know?” 

Panam forced a smile. “It’s good that someone’s gotten her to open up more. I just want her to be happy. That drive took a lot out of me; I’m gonna go rest up.” She made her way to her tent, wondering if there was a chance V might fall for someone else.

Panam was sitting around a campfire later that night when she felt someone sit down on the log beside her. She turned her head and was surprised to see V. “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah, I was just wondering if we could talk,” V said, quietly. “There’s this spot I found; would you come sit with me there?”

“Sure, V.” Panam stood up and followed V until they reached an area looking down at camp.

“I missed you while you were away,” V admitted. “I, uh, was a little hurt when I learned you were back and didn’t come to see me.”

Panam was surprised by V’s admission. “I wanted to give you your space. I think I’ve been hovering a little too much.”

“You’re just looking out for me,” V stated, “and I appreciate that. I’ve been helping out around camp and feeling useful has helped with my mood.”

Panam smiled. “That’s great to hear. I should’ve recommended you be more active with camp sooner.”

“You wanted me to be more social. I was just upset at the situation and being an ass so I didn’t listen. I’m sorry.”

“You’re forgiven,” Panam smiled. “This is a nice little spot here.”

“Isn’t it? It feels familiar almost. The night after you left, I came out here and just looked at the stars. Made me think and put things into perspective.”

“You sit out here with Willa?” Panam glanced at V to gauge her reaction.

“No, want to keep this spot for myself.”

“Yeah? Why bring me here, then?” It wasn’t a new spot for her. Panam had come out here with V plenty of times before the memory wipe. It was their spot.

“Felt right to be here with you,” V explained. “Maybe tomorrow you can tell me more about myself?”

“Of course,” Panam replied. “I can tell you more right now if you want.”

“Nah,” V replied as she looked up at the sky. “Do you know anything about stars?”

Panam chuckled. “Do I? You’re looking at an expert.” She pointed up at a star. “See that star to the right?”

V admired Panam for a moment, liking how excited the brunette seemed to be about the topic. “Yeah, it’s beautiful.” She moved her gaze away from Panam to finally look at the star.

“Well that’s Vega,” Panam explained. She continued to point out stars and after a while she found herself just talking with V about what she did while she was away and V told her everything she did as well. It was the first conversation they had that wasn’t related to V’s memory wipe and it was refreshing.

“Are you dating anyone?” V asked, curiously.

Panam’s eyes widened at the question. “Uh…” How the hell did she answer? “I’m not. I mean, kind of? We’re on a break.”

“Someone in camp?” V asked.

 _Fuck._ “Why the sudden dating talk? You interested in someone?”

V shrugged. “Honestly, the last thing I should be thinking about is a relationship. I’m a mess. I was just curious is all. We’re best friends so I thought it was something I should know.”

“Yep,” Panam replied, trying to keep her feelings in check, “best friends.” As they sat there, taking in the view, Panam mentally listed the pros and cons of telling V the extent of their relationship. She was trying not to make the selfish decision, but the right one for V. She just couldn't narrow down what that was yet. 


	3. Chapter 3

Panam was sitting outside watching as V worked out around camp. A couple more weeks had passed and she was glad to see V doing so well. She had called Lauren to give her an update and the ripperdoc sounded positive that V was clear of imminent death. Panam’s gaze followed V as she picked up a decent-sized rock, lifted it above her head and placed it back on the ground before doing a series of push-ups. The things she wanted to do to that body.

“Hey, Pan,” Mitch greeted as he plopped down beside her at the table.

Panam jumped at the sudden intrusion and rolled her eyes as Mitch laughed.

Mitch grinned. “Am I interrupting something?”

“I was just lost in thought,” Panam replied as she tried tearing her eyes away from V’s toned abs that she currently had on display. She definitely appreciated the sports bra and sweatpants look.

Mitch glanced at V. “Yeah, I’m sure I can guess what those thoughts are.”

Panam furrowed her brows as Willa approached V, offering her a bottle of water. “Seriously?” She scoffed.

“Relax, girl,” Mitch laughed. “There’s nothing going on there.”

“I’m relaxed,” Panam replied, sharply. She stood up and removed her jacket, throwing on top of the table before making her way over to V.

V noticed Panam heading her way and she couldn’t help a bright smile. She had been doing pretty well and that was thanks to the brunette. She had called Vik the other day with Panam’s encouragement and the man had explained her cyberware to her and she was finally confident enough to use them. She had even spoken to Misty who had given her a reading that left her feeling optimistic about her future. “Hey, Panam.”

“Hey,” Panam greeted. “You got a moment, V?”

V looked to Willa and thanked her again for the water before Willa walked off to give them their privacy. “Everything okay?”

“Everything’s preem. I just wanted to invite you out to a job I have.”

“You know, as a leader, you should probably stop taking jobs,” V pointed out.

Panam waved her off. “I’d lose my mind just sitting around camp planning all day. I already do less jobs than I’d like. So, are you in?”

“Hell yeah, I’m in,” V said, excitedly. “Finally trust me not to get myself killed?”

“This is an easy transport job,” Panam explained. “Shouldn’t have an opportunity to get yourself offed. Anyway, we leave tomorrow morning.”

“Sounds good,” V said.

Panam began to walk off, but V reached out to place a hand on her arm. “Hey, I was going to go shoot a bit. Cassidy set something up for me. Want to come with?”

“Sure, if you don’t mind losing.”

V grinned. “Who said it was a competition?”

“Where’s the fun if it’s not?” Panam quipped.

“Should we put a wager on this?”

“Oh, absolutely. Loser has to…,”

“Give the winner a massage,” V offered. “I don’t know about you, but those cots leave a lot to be desired.”

Panam laughed as she began to head towards where Cassidy kept his “shooting range”. “Okay, I could use a massage.”

“So confident.” V’s eyes trailed down Panam’s body, admiring her swagger. The leader really was attractive and V wondered how her pre-memory wiped self hadn’t made a move. Or maybe she had and was rejected, but there was definitely no way she hadn’t tried.

“V, you coming?”

V snapped out of her thoughts and quickly moved to catch up. “Sorry, was just thinking about the sweet taste of victory.”

“I’m not going to take it easy on you,” Panam warned.

“I definitely don’t need you to take it easy on me,” V stated. “I’ve been practicing.”

Once they reached the spot that they would be shooting at, Panam frowned at seeing archery targets instead of bottles. “V?”

V smirked and spoke innocently. “Found myself a hobby. Guns are easy. The bow and arrow takes more precision. You’re not out of your element are you, Pan?”

Panam’s heart warmed instantly at hearing V call her by her nickname for the first time since losing her memory. She picked up the bow and arrow resting on the table nearby and twirled the arrow before nocking and firing it effortlessly.

V watched as the arrow hit the bullseye before meeting Panam’s smug grin. “Well that was attractive.”

Panam laughed lightly. “Cassidy taught me when I was younger. I don’t keep up with it too much.”

“Remember when I said I didn’t need you to take it easy on me?”

Panam handed V the bow, amusement in her eyes. “I do recall those words being spoken, yes.”

“Well maybe forget that I said that?”

“Not a chance.” Panam picked up an arrow and handed it over to V. “Let’s see what you got.”

V rolled her shoulders and stretched her neck from side to side before taking the arrow. She shot the arrow and watched as it hit the target just outside of the bullseye. “Preem,” she said, happily. “And that was just me warming up.”

Panam took the bow from V, enjoying seeing her so carefree. They continued to shoot and banter until Panam was finally declared the winner.

“We should do this again,” Panam said. “It was fun.”

“It was,” V agreed. “I told Mitch I’d help him out with some stuff today but I’ll see you later?”

Panam nodded. “We can have dinner together.”

V brightened at that. “Perfect, I’ll see you then.”

Panam watched V head off before leaning against the nearby table. Things between them nowadays were often playful and flirty. They had an easygoing friendship that reminded her of how they had been before and she wondered if V felt that deep connection.

V rushed into a house right behind Panam and quickly slammed the door shut. They had been caught in a sandstorm on the way back home after the job they had and she had luckily spotted this place.

“Fucking sandstorms,” Panam grumbled as she flipped a switch to see if the light would turn on. She was relieved when it did. She then moved to see if the fireplace could be used. “Wanna run back out to grab my bag? Should still have some snacks in there.”

“Sure thing,” V said before exiting the house. She returned a moment later with their bag and set it in the living room, where Panam had gotten the fire going. She plopped down onto the couch and Panam moved to sit beside her.

“It’s still freezing,” Panam whined as she cuddled into V’s side.

V smiled and placed an arm over Panam’s shoulders. “It’ll warm up in a moment.”

Panam’s stomach grumbled and she sighed. “Can you grab me something to eat from the bag?”

V chuckled. “Yes, your majesty, is there…” she stopped speaking as a sense of déjà vu hit her. The memory was there and she tried to grab a hold of it but it vanished.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

V shook her head. “This feels familiar… like I’ve been here before. I’m just tired, I think.”

“No, you’re right. We were in a similar place to this once sheltering from a sandstorm.” Panam explained the story to her and V listened intently.

“Sorry,” she said once Panam was done. “I can’t recall it.”

“It’s okay,” Panam said, trying to hide her disappointment. “How about those snacks?”

V laughed and got up from the couch to retrieve a few snacks form the bag. She handed a granola bar to Panam and sat back down. Panam cuddled back into her side, stating that she hated being cold but V didn’t need her to have an excuse. She liked having Panam close.

After eating their snacks in silence, Panam shifted, moving so that her head was resting in V’s lap.

“There’s probably a bed,” V stated. “It’d be more comfortable.”

Panam yawned. “I’m good.”

V hesitantly placed her hand down on Panam’s hip, running her fingers over where she knew Panam had a scar. “How’d you get this?”

Panam savored the touch for a moment before finally answering. “Ricochet from a bullet. You were there actually.”

V listened as Panam told her about the events that led to the injury. Once she was done, V moved her other hand to touch the scar on Panam’s eyebrow. “How about this?”

Panam smirked. “When I was younger, I was tasked with figuring out where this lady’s stolen jewelry was going. Turned out her grandmother was stealing them and putting them in cans of beans before resealing them to sell to the highest bidders. When I confronted her, she threw a can at my head before taking off. Don’t think I’ve ever seen an old lady move so fast.”

V laughed. “Maybe just tell people you got it in a bar fight.”

Panam joined in the laughter, turning onto her back so she could see V’s face. “That’s unoriginal.”

“And also less embarrassing,” V joked. “Do you have anymore?”

“Scars? Yeah, but I wouldn’t want to scandalize you.”

“I’m not easily scandalized,” V assured her. Or so she thought until Panam reached down to undo her jeans. She tried to keep her breathing even as the woman raised her hips and pushed the material down.

“Right here.” Panam pointed to a scar on the side of her thigh. “Bullet grazed me.”

V fought the urge to reach out and run her hand over the scar like she had done the other two. She didn’t think Panam would care but didn’t want to risk making things weird between them.

“That’s the only other obvious one.” Panam pulled her jeans back up. “I count myself lucky I’ve never had worse.”

V stared into Panam’s eyes and smiled as a thought hit her. “I think I know why my favorite color is brown. You have nice eyes.”

Panam’s heart skipped a beat. “Thanks, they’re nothing special, though.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more beautiful color,” V stated in an almost whisper. “Being around you, Panam, makes me feel safe. If I haven’t said it before, thanks for everything you’ve done for me. From what I’ve learned, I know it cost you a lot to get me to this point.”

Panam’s heart was racing now. Was V speaking platonically or was there something deeper behind her words?

“Sorry,” V began with a sheepish laugh. “I’m just feeling a little sappy, I guess, and I wanted you to know how thankful I am for you.”

“Don’t be sorry and you don’t have to thank me. You’re family and I’ve got your back. Now come on, we should get some sleep.” She turned back onto her side and as she laid there with her head resting on V’s lap, she made the decision that as soon as they returned to camp, she would tell V who they really were to each other.

The next morning, Panam woke up to find that she was no longer using V as a pillow but was in an actual bed with V’s jacket over her as an extra layer of warmth. She got up from the bed and was hit with the smell of coffee. Exiting the room, she found a cup of coffee and a donut on the table with a note written on the cup.

_Don’t be upset. I took your car to get us food. I didn’t want to wake you. Made it back with no problems. I’m outside._

Panam sipped the coffee and made a delighted hum before taking a bite of the donut. She made her way to the door and smiled at seeing V on the steps. “Hey, you.”

“That voice doesn’t sound angry,” V surmised.

Panam sat down beside her. “I mean, I could make a fuss about how you went out on your own where you could’ve run into any kind of danger without anyone there to help you but I’m just going to enjoy my coffee and donut. Thank you.”

V grinned. “You’re very welcome.” She sipped her own coffee as she tapped her foot on the stairs.

“You good?” Panam asked. “You seem… anxious.”

“Um.” V ran a hand through her hair. “I’ve just been thinking a lot since last night. The things I said…I don’t know how you construed them but I wanted to clarify what I meant.”

“You don’t have to worry about that,” Panam assured her, dejectedly. She guessed V had meant what she said platonically.

V sipped her coffee again. “I just want to get it out in the open so there’s no confusion. I… I like you, Panam… intimately. And I tried to keep this crush at bay but,” V gestured to her chest, “these feelings won’t go away. And I know we were just friends before and I don’t want to ruin that but I was hoping you’d maybe go on a date with me.”

Panam’s eyebrows rose in shock. “A date?”

“I know there’s really nothing we can do back at camp but I could come up with something. I’d make it nice.” V rubbed a hand on her jeans, nervously. At Panam’s silence, V thought the worst. “If you’re not interested, it’s fine. I just thought I was feeling something from you. Guess that was all in my head.”

“No, V, it isn’t.” Panam set her coffee to the side and turned her body to face V. “I’m interested. It’s just that…” Panam wasn’t sure how to explain.

“Is it that person you’re on a break from?” V asked.

“Yes, you could say that,” Panam replied. “Shit, V, I’m fucking this all up.”

“Hey.” V reached out to touch Panam’s knee. “You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“I have something to give you.” Panam stood up and disappeared into the house. She dug through her duffel bag until she found the notebook V had written in before her procedure. Taking a deep breath, she stepped back outside and sat down next to V once more.

“What’s that?” V asked, curiously eyeing the notebook.

“Things you wanted to remember,” Panam explained as she opened the notebook. She flipped to the page with her name before handing it over.


	4. Chapter 4

V gripped the notebook tightly as she read the entry she had apparently written. She read it over several times before looking up at Panam, who was biting at her lower lip, anxiously waiting for V to say something.

“You’ve been lying to me?” V felt betrayed and foolish.

“I never really lied. I just left out that we are… _were_ together.”

“It’s a pretty big thing not to tell me,” V snapped. “It’s been a month since I lost my memory, Panam.”

Panam reached for V’s hand but V shot up from the steps, creating some distance between them. “V, I was only trying to make things easier on you. I didn’t want you to feel guilty for forgetting about what we shared.”

“I don’t care why you didn’t tell me, Panam. I had a right to know. Did you tell everyone else to keep this from me, too?”

“For your benefit, yes.” Panam stood up and moved closer to V. “If you had known about us, you might’ve felt obligated to force feelings that weren’t there. I didn’t want to put you in that position.”

“You shouldn’t have decided for me! This isn’t something small, Panam. You kept my memories from me!”

“V, I was going to tell you. I never planned on keeping this from you forever.”

“How am I supposed to trust you now?” V asked, angrily. “If you actually cared about me, then-,”

“Don’t you dare question the love I have for you!” Panam snapped. “It’s been hard, V— not being able to be close to you like I want to! If I was only thinking of myself, I would’ve told you from day one! There’s no rule book on how to handle this kind of thing and I’m far from perfect. You don’t get to make me the villain here! I’ve only ever done what was in your best interest!”

V visibly deflated. She moved to sit back down on the steps. “I don’t want to argue with you, Panam.”

Panam sat once more next to V, relieved when she didn’t move away. She was still buzzing with anger but it was more at the situation than anything.

V thought hard trying to remember her life before. She wanted to remember everything about Panam; about their relationship, but nothing was surfacing. She cursed under her breath, feeling distraught. How could she forget something so important? “I’m sorry.” She shook her head. “I can’t remember any of it.”

“And that’s okay.” Panam reached out to place a hand on V’s knee but thought better of it. 

V sighed. “I want to remember.”

“But it’s not the be-all or end-all, V. We have a new beginning. We can take things slow and figure out our new dynamic.”

“I’m still upset with you, but I meant what I said about my feelings for you. Can I have time to wrap my head around this new information?”

“You can have all the time you need,” Panam assured her. “I’m not going anywhere.” 

V opened the notebook once more and found the page with Panam’s name. She read it again before a sad smile crossed her lips. “I loved you. Were we happy?”

Panam felt a pang in her chest at the past tense. “Yeah, V, we were.”

V closed the notebook and looked at Panam. “We should probably get going.” She stood up from the steps. “I’ll get your bag.”

Panam wordlessly watched V return to the abandoned house before letting out a sigh. She had a feeling things would be tense between them for a while before things returned to some form of normal.

The car ride back to camp had been quiet, which Panam expected, but she hadn’t expected V to retreat back into her tent for days, keeping contact with everyone minimal. It seemed they were back to square one on the progress scale and she felt guilty about it. She was currently working on fixing someone’s rig, which at least kept her thoughts slightly preoccupied.

“Hey,” Mitch approached.

Panam looked up from the hood of the car to glance at Mitch. “Hey.”

“How are things going?”

“Shit-ily,” Panam replied as she wiped her grease-stained hands with a rag.

“Want to be a bit less vague?”

“V’s been keeping to herself.” Panam closed the hood of the car before leaning against it. “Except she still talks to Willa.” 

Mitch chuckled. “Not just Willa.” He nodded towards V’s tent. “She’s right over there. You can talk to her at any time.”

“I’m waiting for her to come to me,” Panam replied.

“And maybe she’s waiting for you to go to her,” Mitch pointed out. “All I know is someone’s got to talk to someone.”

Panam spotted Willa leaving V’s tent and rolled her eyes. “She might be all talked out.”

Mitch glanced to where Panam was looking and shook his head. “I won’t fault Willa if she does swoop in and start dating V. You’re not making any moves.”

Panam tossed her dirty rag at Mitch’s chest and began to walk away.

“Come on, Pan,” Mitch began. “I’m just being honest. You need to talk to her to figure things out.”

“Don’t you think I know that?” Panam huffed. “I’m just trying to give her space.”

Willa approached them and nodded a greeting to Mitch before looking at Panam. “Hey, Panam, can we talk?”

Panam wanted to say no because she feared Willa was going to express her feelings for V or something equally as annoying but she simply nodded before following Willa a few feet away to a table.

Willa sat down and Panam reluctantly sat across from her. “I’ll cut to the point,” she began. “V needs you.”

Panam was surprised by the statement. “What?”

“She’s asking me all these questions about you and the relationship you two had but I can’t really answer all those questions,” Willa explained. “You can, though.”

Panam sighed. “Why hasn’t she come to me?”

“You can ask her that yourself,” Willa stated. “She’s actually not feeling well; hasn’t been sleeping much. Maybe you can help with that.”

“Of course.” Panam stood, concerned about V. “I’ll go talk to her now.”

“Good,” Willa replied. “And Panam,” she smirked, “I’m ace so you can stop glaring daggers at the side of my head whenever you see me.”

Panam’s brows furrowed. “Does Mitch know that?”

“Yeah,” Willa answered before going to sit with others nearby.

“That gonk,” Panam muttered about Mitch under her breath before making her way to V’s tent. She didn’t announce herself as she slipped into the tent and she found V writing in her notebook.

V looked up and stilled her hand at seeing Panam.

Panam shoved her hands into her back pockets. “Hey, um… Willa said you weren’t feeling well.” She could see the dark circles under V’s eyes that told her the woman definitely wasn’t getting much sleep.

“I’m fine,” V answered. “Sorry I’ve been M.I.A.”

“Figured you were still pissed at me,” Panam replied.

“I’m not. I just… I’ve been busy.”

Panam quirked a brow. “Doing what exactly because I haven’t seen you leave this tent much?”

“I’ve been talking to Vik, Misty and Mama Welles. They’ve been telling me stories and filling in some blanks for me.”

“Has that helped any?”

“It’s given me more of an idea of who I was. It’s nice to know I wasn’t a shitty person.”

Panam nodded her understanding. “What are you writing?”

V hesitated, looking down at the notebook for a moment before picking it up and handing it over to Panam. Instead of words, Panam was met with a drawing of herself. Her eyes widened at how good it was. A couple months back V had casually mentioned how she had been into art before life as a merc took up all her free time. “Wow, V, this is amazing.”

“Thanks.” V accepted the notebook back. “I didn’t know I could do it until I was doing it. Weird, right?”

“Maybe it’s a muscle memory or something,” Panam guessed. 

V hummed her agreement. 

“Willa also mentioned that you were asking about me… about us. If there’s anything you want to know, I’m here. Why wouldn’t you come to me?”

“I was hoping to get an idea of what are relationship was like. I want to be how I was before for you.”

“V-,”

“I know,” V stopped her. “This is what you were trying to avoid. Reading through that notebook, though, I can tell I was in love with you and that we had something amazing. I thought highly of you… this version of me does, too, and I just want you to have me how I was because what if this new me isn’t someone you can fall in love with?” V let out a breath, happy to get all of that out.

Panam sat next to V and reached for her hand, deciding honesty was her best bet here. “I’m still in love with you, V. That didn’t go away. You may not have your memories, but at your core, you’re still the V I fell in love with. I know you’re not there yet with all the deeper feelings but we’ve got time. Also, hiding in your tent just to avoid telling me I was right is next level stubborn.”

V found herself laughing and playfully swatted at Panam’s shoulder. “I never said you were right.”

“I mean, it was insinuated.”

V shook her head, amused and pleased that Panam had lightened the moment. “You’re a pain, you know that?”

Panam grinned. “You’ve chosen to be with me twice now so what does that say about your taste?”

V’s eyes met Panam’s lips before returning to her gaze. “That it’s impeccable.”

“Smooth,” Panam chuckled. “So are we good? No more fighting, hiding and apologizing?”

“We’re good,” V confirmed.

V placed her free hand on Panam’s thigh as she leaned over to kiss her. Panam allowed the kiss for only a moment before breaking it. “No rush,” she whispered, leaning her forehead against V’s. “And you wouldn’t be able to keep up anyway. You’re tired.”

“I’m not that tired,” V said as she was suddenly hit with a yawn.

“You were saying?”

“Maybe a little tired.”

Panam picked the notebook up from the cot and placed it on nightstand before pulling V to lie down next to her.

V cuddled into her and inhaled deeply. “You smell good.”

“I smell like grease and dirt. Your tiredness is making you delusional.”

V relaxed into Panam’s arms. “Pan, will you sing me something?”

Panam began to sing quietly and it was only a few seconds before V’s breathing had evened out and she was fast asleep. Smiling, Panam placed a kiss on top of her head and joined her in slumber. 


	5. Chapter 5

Boredom. V was sure she would die from it. She had returned from a job with Carol hours ago and had been told Panam was out doing business. When the Aldecaldos leader returned to camp, she had gone off to her tent, telling everyone to leave her alone. V was trying to respect those wishes but she was worried about the woman. Making a decision, V headed to Panam’s tent, slipping into it without announcing herself.

“Hey, Pan- oh,” V quickly turned around at the sight of Panam lying on her cot pants-less with a hand down her underwear.

“Damn it, V,” Panam huffed as she retracted her hand and rushed to get her jeans on.

“Sorry,” V rushed out. “I should’ve announced myself. I just really wanted to see you and wasn’t thinking. Um, I’ll go.”

Panam sighed. “You don’t have to. I’m not going to continue now anyway.” She zipped up her jeans. “I’m decent.”

V turned around, a red tint to her cheeks. “Really sorry.”

Panam waved her off. “We don’t have to make it a big deal. Just announce herself next time.”

“Of course,” V replied, sheepishly. “I was coming to check in on you. You seemed upset earlier.”

“Just stressed,” Panam answered. “Being in charge is a lot. Still trying to get the hang of it. I was taking a moment to… de-stress.”

“I could help with that,” V offered. At Panam’s quirked eyebrow she quickly added, “I owe you a massage.”

Panam smiled. “I’ll take you up on that. How do you want me?”

Several inappropriate images flashed through V’s mind and her blush deepened. “Um, you can sit on the chair or lie down on the cot.”

Panam laid down on her stomach. “How was your day?”

“Not bad,” V answered as she moved over to the cot. “I got talked into kicking a ball around with the kids for a bit. That somehow turned into bets being made and me being out some eddies.”

Panam chuckled. “Sounds about right. Those brats will bleed you dry if you let them.”

V moved onto the cot, straddling Panam’s lower half. “Is this okay?”

“Uh, yeah,” Panam answered as her heartbeat sped up. “That’s good.”

V began the massage and the sound of Panam’s appreciative hum did not help to keep her thoughts pure. “So, think we’ll be changing camps soon?”

“Yeah, if my sources are correct, Militech should be rolling through here in a few days.”

“Worried?”

“We’ll be long gone by the time they reach here,” Panam stated. “Not worried a bit. Hopefully we can keep staying ahead of those gonks; fucking corpo rats.”

V moved her hands to Panam’s lower back and began to knead out the tension. “Careful, you raging against authority gets me going,” she said, jokingly.

Panam laughed. “Oh yeah?

“Remember when you took a rocket launcher to that Kang Tao AV?” V asked. “Hottest thing I’ve ever witnessed. I wife-d you in my mind right then.” Panam laughed but suddenly stopped as she tried to turn under V. V lifted her weight off Panam to allow her to turn before settling back down. “What’s wrong?”

“You remember that moment?” Panam asked. “The Kang Tao AV?”

V thought about it again and a few details came to her but nothing vivid. “Yeah, I do. You must’ve told me about it.”

Panam shook her head. “I never mentioned it… and you didn’t write about it in your notebook.”

Now that V was thinking about it, no one had brought up that mission before. It was just something she recalled. “That’s pretty nova, yeah?”

“It really is, V.” Panam didn’t want to make too big a deal about it since they had discussed finally moving on from the whole thing and starting anew, but it was still great to see V remembering things. Finally noting the position they were in, Panam grinned. “You know,” she began, running her hands up and down V’s thighs. “I usually require a first date before getting to this point.”

V matched Panam’s grin. “I do believe I asked you on a date and never got an actual answer.”

Panam stilled her hands. “Okay, ask me again.”

“Panam, would you like to go on a date with me?”

“Hmm,” Panam pretended to think about it and was met with V tickling her sides. “I’m not ticklish.”

V narrowed her eyes. “Or maybe I just haven’t found the right spot.” V began to move her hands around, tickling at random spots. 

“I will hurt you,” Panam warned as she swatted at V’s hands. As V neared the spot where Panam would definitely give in to laughing, the leader fixed the woman with a stern gaze. “Do you value your life so little?”

Thinking it over, V removed her hands with a grin. “You’ve won this battle, but not the war.” She remained where she was as she peered down at Panam. The woman really was gorgeous. Her eyes lingered on her lips and she felt herself unconsciously leaning down.

Panam pressed a hand to V’s chest, keeping her from leaning down any further. “So, about that date. I’m thinking once we’re moved and resettled, we can go on one.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Great,” Panam replied, trying to keep her libido in check.

V began to move off of Panam but stopped when she felt fingers close gently around her wrist.

“Stay,” Panam said, softly. She wanted to be near V; knew her proximity would help her sleep better. “If you want to.”

V smiled. “I always want to be near you.”

Panam felt lighter somehow at V’s words. The stress of the day forgotten for now. “Always?” She asked with a hint of amusement, knowing there were days where she was hard to be around.

V placed an arm over Panam’s waist, pulling her closer before placing a kiss on her shoulder. “Always,” she confirmed. “Get some sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Panam turned in V’s arms and rested her head on her chest. “Night.”

“Night, Pan.”

Panam woke from a very intense dream and the ache between her legs begged to be taken care of. She carefully extracted herself from V’s arms, freezing when V mumbled nonsensical words before turning her back to Panam still fast sleep.

Panam bit at her lower lip, trying to decide if she was really going to take care of herself with V asleep next to her. She could also just wake V; she knew the woman wouldn’t be opposed.

No, she wouldn’t do that. She had been waiting until she felt it was the right time and a quickie in the middle of the night because she was horny wasn’t exactly the consummation she wanted after having re-established their relationship.

Panam glanced beside her at a sound asleep V before undoing the button on her jeans. She didn’t have much room to maneuver without stirring V so she didn’t bother with removing the article of clothing. She dipped her hand down her jeans and pushed the material of her one-piece aside. She let out a shaky breath at the first touch of her fingers against her most sensitive region and images of V fueled her movements.

Minutes passed and Panam was lost in her own pleasure, not feeling the shift of the cot or realizing V had woken up until she heard her speak.

“Pan,” V breathed out.

Panam startled at the voice. “Fuck, V, how long have you been up?”

“A few seconds.” V watched as Panam pulled her hand from her jeans. “Seems I keep interrupting your you time.”

Panam blushed. “Sorry, I’m just…”

“Don’t apologize.” V caught Panam by the hand and slowly brought it close to her lips, giving the woman time to pull away. When she didn’t, V sucked two of Panam’s fingers into her mouth, moaning at the taste of her.

Panam watched with lust-filled eyes and felt the first signs of her resolve cracking.

“Let me take care of you,” V said. It sounded like a plea more than anything else. She wanted to feel close to Panam again. Yes, they were together but there was an invisible barrier and V wanted it gone. “Why are you afraid to let me close?”

Panam let out a breath. “I’m just being a gonk.”

“No, hey,” V prodded gently. “Your feelings are important to me. I’m here to listen.”

“Sometimes I just feel… I feel like I’m cheating on you… with you.” Panam let out a dry laugh. “I told you it was dumb.”

“It’s not,” V assured her. “I’m kind of a new person, right? I get it.”

“I do want to… like really want to. There’s just that guilt,” Panam explained. “I didn’t want to bring it up because we’re supposed to be moving past all this.”

V pressed a kiss to Panam’s temple. “You can always be honest with me. Past V and present V just want you to be happy.” V ran her knuckles affectionately over Panam’s jaw. “Honestly, Panam, I want whatever you want. I…um,” V rolled her eyes at herself. She already knew how Panam felt so this shouldn’t be hard. _Just say it._ She thought. “I love you. I’m _in_ love with you.”

Panam’s eyes widened for a moment at the sudden confession before smiling. “I love you, too, V.” She then found herself laughing.

“What?” V asked, confused.

“I was getting myself off like five minutes ago and now we’re having a moment.” Panam brought her hand up to cup the side of V’s face.

V turned her head to kiss Panam’s palm and a memory struck her. She quirked a brow at the womam. “Our first time was in the basilisk?”

Panam grinned. “One of my hornier moments. How much of that do you recall?”

“Enough,” V replied, voice husky with want.

Panam’s eyes twinkled. “Think you can stay quiet?”

V laughed. “Me? Can you?”

Panam’s eyes narrowed at the challenge and she moved quickly, pushing V onto her back and straddling her thighs. “Tell me what you want, V.”

V smiled. The answer to that was simple. All she would ever want was here in this tent. Life was hard and unrelenting. The fact that she even had a second chance at it was miraculous. She would never forget how lucky she was to be here right now with the woman she loved.

“Just you, Panam. Just you.”


End file.
